I was screaming.
She was screaming.
Then we were both crying in separate rooms of the house.
And so another “happy” Mother’s Day goes by in my household!
So what happened to cause all this?
My daughter made me breakfast in bed!
The Challenge Of Spoonie Parenting
Yep. What a darling! Breakfast in bed.
She’s a beautiful kid, and I fully appreciated her gesture of bringing me my pre-made (by me) smoothie, along with her mini cupcakes she’d baked in her cupcake maker.
It’s just the mess she left behind that ended up breaking up our mother-daughter love-in!
As most mothers with CFS / ME would know, keeping a household, parenting, as well as managing a chronic illness (and anything else we’re managing) is a challenging juggle.
Having my kitchen semi-tidy is a big achievement, and before my daughter’s cupcakes, it was semi-tidy.
Her lack of cleaning up ability – “what mess? I DID clean up!” – didn’t appear to me as just a quick clean-up job as a consequence of my daughter’s big hearted Mother’s Day gesture.
It appeared to me as one more job I had to do in my already overwhelmed “always-in-pain” state of mind.
The fact we’d made a deal that she clean it up if she made the mess just meant the frustration added to the overwhelm, and, yes, yelling ensued.
I’m not proud of that.
In fact I’m often not proud of my ready-to-jump-to-attention temper that has become more easily triggered since I electrosensitivity became part of my life on top of CFS /ME 12 year ago during pregnancy.
Constantly being in pain is NOT an excuse for losing my temper. Theoretically anyway!
There is no excuse, theoretically, for losing my temper. But in practicality, I dare anyone to put a vice on their head and tighten it so their head is screaming in pain, and then get them to maintain an even temper at all times.
Oh, and do that while trying to parent an ever-more-confusing maturing 10 year old daughter.
Mother Guilt On Mother’s Day
I’m not the only person with ME / CFS / Fibro or other Spoonie to experience Mother guilt due to my illness symptoms. We may not often hear from these Mums, but they’re out there. I wrote a blog about my own last Mother’s Day!
So today’s blog – I wasn’t going to write one today, but the spirit has moved me – is about how to combat Spoonie Mother Guilt.
(Please note: I’m a single parent, so things are a little different than if I had a partner to assist me at home, but I think we all experience similar stuff regardless of whether we’re single or partnered)
5 Ways To Combat Spoonie Mother Guilt
1. Cut Yourself Some Slack
It’s not easy.
Parenting, full stop, is not easy!
Add in CFS / ME / Fibro or another chronic illness that sees us feeling constantly fatigued and in pain, not to mention the myriad other symptoms of our illnesses, and parenting becomes even more challenging.
You do the best you can with what you’ve got.
And I’d wager that you’re doing a better job than many non-spoonie Mums. So, really, cut yourself some slack!!
Forgive yourself your so-called failings, occasionally temper outbursts, tearful breakdowns and moodiness.
Forgive yourself for not being perfect.
Forgive yourself for not being able to be the Mum you imagine you WOULD be if only you didn’t have this illness.
As we learned in Day 1 and Day 2 – It Is As It Is.
We DO have CFS / ME. We ARE spoonie mothers or fathers. And this adds a greater degree of difficulty to our parenting that others do not have to navigate.
On the whole, we do it pretty well. So stop beating yourself up.
You are only human, and you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got.
2. Acknowledge The Good Stuff
As I said above, on the whole, we’re doing pretty well as Spoonie Parents. Yes, we muck up from time to time, and sometimes it feels like we muck up much more regularly than that.
But your kids are still alive, loved, provided for and valued. That’s more than many kids have.
In a recent counselling session I asked my daughter how she felt about the restrictions my illness – particularly the electrosensitivity – puts on her life.
Her answer: (Shrug) “You’re still my Mum”, she says nonchalantly.
I cried tears of relief to hear those words and the inference that was said in them.
The inference was that it matters more to my daughter to have her Mum who loves and accepts her for exactly who she is than to have the TV on 24/7.
You’d be surprised to find that your children don’t hold onto as much of the negative stuff as we think they do.
They might get yelled at from time to time, and might suffer the consequences of our illness regularly, but for most of them that’s just part of their life that they take for granted. Naturally, they get annoyed with it sometimes too. They’re also only human!
What they also take for granted though, is that you love them, you will do anything you possibly can for them, and you value and respect them.
So make sure you acknowledge yourself for the good stuff you do.
It ‘s so easy to beat ourselves up over our mistakes (perfectionists anyone?!), and worry that we’ve just scarred our kids for life with our angry outburst, but it’s much harder for us to remember in those moments all the good stuff we’ve been doing in between.
How many times do you go the extra mile for your kids?
How many times do you hug them and tell them you love them?
How many times do you listen to them like nobody else does?
We are Superhero Spoonie Parents at times, and we don’t take time to pat ourselves on the back for it. And we need to!
So when you do something loving, kind, generous or selfless for your children, stop for a moment and acknowledge that.
And every time you could have lost your temper, but managed to hold it, congratulate yourself for it.
That’s a huge achievement when you’re tired and in pain. Celebrate yourself for being amazing enough to be able to do that.
Celebrate yourself in general. You’re a way better parent and person than you ever give yourself credit for.
How do I know that? I’m psychic 😉
3. Take Time Out
Sometimes, we just need to retreat to our respective corners and take some time out.
Time out is not only for toddlers.
It’s a very useful and necessary tool for Mums and Dads with CFS / ME / Fibro and other spoonies.
When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, when you feel your temper boiling to the surface, when you feel your kids pressing your buttons (that are more sensitive than non-spoonie buttons), take a step back.
Excuse yourself and tell your kids you just need to take a time out.
Ideally, set this up with them earlier so that they understand that when you retreat to your bedroom or quiet place, you are not rejecting them and they haven’t done anything wrong.
Explain to them that sometimes Mums and Dads need time out too, and that sometimes you’ll just take yourself to time out – but you’ll tell them first if you’re going to do that (if you can).
Then just take however long you need (and can afford) to regroup, however that looks for you.
For me it often looks like retreating to my bedroom, closing the door and reading my favourite book for a few minutes. Or maybe doing a short breathing meditation. Or even having a cry into my pillow.
Whatever you need to do to ground yourself, and calm and centre yourself, do it.
This is a bucket filler (see last blog on Nurturing Yourself and Filling Your Bucket).
Then go back out into the fray with a little more composure and a little less chance of blowing your top.
4. Be Open And Honest
I find this is crucial. Talk to your kids about what’s going on for you – at a level they understand – and let them in on what your reality is.
They appreciate when adults speak to them as if they’re able to understand that stuff. And guess what? They really do understand way more than we realise!
I find that if I’ve stepped over the mark and overreacted (like I did today), and yelling, swearing or screaming has ensued (yep, I do them all, so you’re not the only one!), then I always make sure I apologise to my daughter just as I would anyone else.
I’ve always believed my child deserves as much respect as any other person in my life, so I’ve always said sorry to my daughter anytime I’ve behaved inappropriately. Even when she was tiny, I still did it.
She has subsequently become quite adept at doing the same if she has acted inappropriately, which is nice (pat on the back for me – not in an obnoxious sense, but in an acknowledging-the-g00d-stuff way!).
Talk to your kids about the trials and tribulations of being a Spoonie Mum or Dad.
Don’t whine to them or burden them with your stuff – that’s what counsellors are for – but just let them in on what you’re dealing with.
It will often allow them the space to also then let you in on what they’re dealing with too!
At times I pre-empt a blow-up by explaining to my daughter that I’m having a bit of a bad day or my headache is particularly bad, so when we get home from school, I’ll need her to get herself a snack and just give me some time out.
Or I give her specific instructions on what needs to be done for us to have dinner on the table at a certain time. I explain my side of the duties, and her side of things so that we’re clear.
There is a lot less chance of a blow-up if I do it that way.
5. Give Up Trying To Be The Perfect Parent
It’s not exclusive to parents with CFS / ME /Spoonie to feel like we’re constantly stuffing up in this parenting gig – and stuffing up our kids in the process!
No parent is perfect. Perfect is an illusion – a Utopia that nobody ever achieves.
The perfect parent is a myth designed to torture every parent who has even a scrap of self-doubt (aka ALL OF US!)
The perfect CFS / ME / Spoonie parent is also a myth, designed to further torture our already tortured bodies and minds.
Let’s stop letting that myth rule our lives hey?
We really can only do our best in any given moment with what we have at that moment.
Our “best” may not be the best we would ideally do if all our ducks were lined up in a row, but given that our ducks are often more likely to be flying around in a state of confused disarray than lined up in a row, our best may sometimes fall short of our ideal.
But ideals are merely another myth we try to live up to. Further myths we use to torture ourselves – masochists that we are!
We’re never going to be perfect. Love your kids. Cuddle your kids. Encourage and praise your kids. Thank them for the contribution they make to your life.
And tell them that you won’t expect them to be perfect kids if they don’t expect you to be perfect parents!
As Mums and Dads with CFS / ME / Fibro and other illnesses, we do a pretty awesome job. We may stuff up at times, we may “chuck a wobbly” at times, and we may fail dismally at times at holding up to our ideals.
Any issues we have already – as all people have – are magnified when we are in pain and fatigued.
Do as much work as you can on dealing with your emotional and psychological wounds. Learn ways to better control your moods and temper.
Any work we do in this area will reduce the ability for our kids to “press our buttons” when we’re feeling depleted by our illnesses.
But it will never make us perfect, calm, peaceful parents who always do things exactly the way the books say we should.
That’s life. And that’s okay.
We’re all just learning on this journey. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing a good job!
Today’s Action Step
If you don’t already have a Time Out spot set up to go to when you need it, set it up. And set it up with your kids that sometimes you will take yourself there for your and their own benefit.
Happy Mother’s Day everyone!
til i morgen (Until Tomorrow in Norwegian – one of my fave countries!)
Keep Smiling 🙂
Louise
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Day 2: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – It Is As It Is. Choose It!
Day 3: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Ways To Control Our Thoughts When In Overwhelm & Despair
Day 4: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 6 Things You Can ALWAYS Do Despite CFS / ME
Day 5: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 7 Ways To Focus Your Thoughts On Something Uplifting
Day 6: 31 Day To A Better CFS Life – Being Present – 7 Simple Mindfulness Techniques To Help Manage CFS
Day 7: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Learning To Ask For Help – 5 Simple Tasks You Can ‘Outsource’ To Help Manage CFS
Day 8: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Discover Podcasts – 5 Steps To Finding & Listening To Good Podcasts
Day 9: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Listen To Your Body. I Am Today!
Day 10: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 10 Ways To Nurture Yourself & Fill Your Bucket
Day 12: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – My 5 Fave Ways To Connect With The Online CFS / ME Community
Day 13: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – How & Why Audiobooks Are A Great Illness-Management Tool
Day 14: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life -10 Top Audiobooks I Recommend
Day 15: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: 5 Tips For Getting Tasks Done When You Have CFS / ME
Day 16: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – What Are You Struggling With Most Right Now?
Day 17: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: What Are You Doing WELL In Managing CFS / ME / Fibro? What Are You NOT Struggling With?
Day 18: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 3 Things I Struggle With At The Moment & How I Manage Them
Day 19: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 101 Ways I Manage CFS / ME & Electrosensitivity Pain
Day 20: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Benefits Of Writing To Help Manage CFS / ME
Day 21: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Gratitude is Healing – 5 Ways To Practise Gratitude
Day 22: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – A Letter To Partners Of People With CFS / ME
Day 23: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 7 Healthy, Safe Ways To Release Emotions
Day 24: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public From Those With CFS / ME / FM – Part 1
Day 25: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public Pt 2 – How You Can Support Someone Who Has CFS / ME / FM