“No, I don’t want vanilla. I want chocolate!” the toddler yells.
His father calmly responds: “I told you. There’s no chocolate, only vanilla. So it’s vanilla or nothing.”
“But I WANT chocolate!!!”, the toddler screams.
“There IS no chocolate. There is only vanilla. If you want ice-cream tonight you have to have vanilla or have nothing”, his father responds.
The toddler throws himself on the kitchen floor, kicking and screaming – “I want chocolate! I hate vanilla! I’ll never like vanilla! I just want chocolate!! It’s not fair!”
So why am I talking about ice-cream in a blog about living powerfully with CFS / ME?
This is not about ice-cream. It’s a metaphor for life. And it’s a metaphor for acceptance.
Following on from yesterday’s discussion on the importance of accepting our current situation – CFS, Electrosensitivity, whatever our circumstances are – today’s blog is going one step further.
Choosing Our Illness
Once we have accepted the “what’s so” of our current situation. Once we’ve accepted “It Is As It Is”, we need to do something else.
We need to CHOOSE our CFS / ME.
“Choose it?! Choose it?! Why would I ever choose this illness?”, you are probably thinking (or shreaking at the computer screen!). “I have no choice in the matter”.
Well, I’m saying you do.
Before you close your browser window, bear with me. I’m not saying that we have chosen to have CFS / ME (that’s a whole other rabbit warren!). What I’m saying it there is POWER in choosing our illness.
So what do I mean by that?
It’s All In The Context
Really it’s just a matter of context. We can either create a context of our illness experience as one where we have no choice and no power, where we are totally helpless and a victim of it..
OR, we can create an empowering context from which to stand, where we have choice and power.
How? By choosing our illness.
It’s not a matter of choosing between CFS and something else. It’s a matter of choosing that, right here, right now, in this moment, we have what we have – it is as it is. And what we have is CFS.
Like the toddler in our ice-cream scenario, we can kick and scream all we like, but when we stop doing so, we will still be left with the fact that CFS is what we’ve got – just like the little boy only had vanilla ice-cream.
It is not a choice driven by a preference. It’s a choice driven by wanting to have some power and control back in our lives. It’s a choice driven by a yearning for peace.
By not choosing our illness, like the little boy in our introduction, we will be left fighting (and using up lots of energy in the process), only to be left with the illness, whether we’ve chosen it or not.
Confused?
By choosing our current circumstances – just as they are and just as they are not – rather than fighting the “what’s so”, we are left with a powerful, peaceful place to come from in order to take our next step (metaphorical or otherwise).
So much inner turmoil is created by us rejecting and fighting what is so in our lives – that we have CFS and all the repercussions that come with it.
I don’t deny that this emotional reaction is necessary to a point. Denying our emotions leads to a whole other gamut of problems, so it’s important to acknowledge and express them.
It is natural to initially reject big changes in our lives – illness, death, disaster. It’s part of the grieving process.
But there comes a time when staying in that grief or one of its stages is holding us back.
That’s where acceptance comes in. It usually follows a path of denial, fear, anger, bargaining and sadness similar to Kuebler-Ross’ stages of death and dying.
And part of true, empowering acceptance is choosing your current circumstances, just as they are and just as they not.
You are not choosing them for tomorrow, you are not choosing them for yesterday, you are choosing them for this moment, and the next, and the next …
A Moment By Moment Thing
As I said, choosing your CFS is just a powerful context – a powerful place to stand. Once you’ve chosen your CFS or a certain symptom, it doesn’t mean you stay in that powerful context forever.
It’s a moment by moment thing. We may choose our circumstances in this moment, only to be angry and resisting an hour later. All we need to do then is stop and choose again.
Choosing, in this definition of the word, is similar to the process of forgiveness. We may forgive someone in any given moment, only to have something trigger us at a later stage, which brings the anger, resentment, and even hatred, back.
So then, it’s a matter of letting go and forgiving the person once again … and again, and again, and again. Until one day we find we have no triggers left, and we really have totally forgiven the person.
Choosing our circumstances is a similar process. Each time we choose, it is merely a declaration of an empowering place to stand. And it’s much easier to make a big declaration than to stay committed to it over time.
Choosing your illness is making a declaration, and then recommitting to it over and over again. But it DOES make a difference.
A Little More On Context
A context (in this sense) is merely an internal “environment” which we create, and then we get to live out our lives in that environment.
Some people choose a resentful, angry environment to live our their CFS in – although I’d argue they are not choosing because they actually don’t realise they have an alternative option.
What are our options?
Our options are to choose or NOT to choose our current circumstances.
Continuing with our ice-cream and toddler example, the little boy decided to not choose the current circumstances and throw a tantrum about them instead.
Sometimes we do the same. I certainly know I have thrown plenty of tantrums about the fact I have CFS, not to mention the totally bizarre and ridiculous hypersensitivity to electro-magnetic fields. And I’m certain I’ll have many more in the future.
In those moments, I’m not choosing my circumstances. I’m railing against them. I’m screaming that it’s not fair and that I’m sick of it and “why me?!”.
But when the tears are spent (and so am I), I know I can keep on resisting and rejecting my current circumstances or I can choose them and go from there.
In other words, I’m choosing “It Is As It Is. Now what?”
Choosing Is Not Resignation
I just want to also point out that acceptance and choosing our illness are not being driven by resignation. It is not a case of “Oh, well, I suppose if there’s nothing else, I’ve got to choose this”.
No. Choosing is coming from a powerful, not-victim context. Resignation is coming from a disempowered, victim context where it still appears someone else is forcing your hand.
When I first heard about the concept of “choosing” our current circumstances (credit to Landmark Education), it took me some time to get my head around it.
It’s actually a simple concept, but it challenges many of our deeply ingrained previous learning and conditioning.
“How could I possibly CHOOSE the electrosensitivity that caused me so much pain and was, at that point in my life, destroying my marriage as well as my life in general”, I thought
I could get the concept, but I still couldn’t bring myself to “choose” electrosensitivity. I see now I had once again collapsed acceptance with giving up and giving in.
But when I finally stopped resisting the concept of having choice in the matter, I suddenly started to have a whole different view of things.
Standing in Choice Rather Than Denial
When I stood in the context that I could choose my illness, it gave me a sense of peace back. From that standpoint, things started opening up for me that I had not seen before.
I think this happens because, until we find peace around an issue – in this case, by choosing CFS or other illness – we are constantly stimulating the amygdala, which is the primitive fight/flight region of our brain.
Until we stop the fight/flight response, higher level thinking activity is impeded or cancelled out completely (those who’ve ever had a panic attack know exactly what I mean!).
So, coming from choice, and coming from the peace that gave me, I was able to take steps forward in my life that had never occurred to me before.
I realised that I had been saying over and over again, ever since the electrosensitivity kicked in majorly during pregnancy in 2003, that “I can’t watch the TV, I can’t use the computer, I can’t be in a room with fluoro lights …”.
But the reality was, I could watch TV, I could use a computer, and I could be in a room with fluoro lights. It’s just that when I did those things there was a consequence. The consequence is severe migraine-like headaches – aka mega-pain!
But in the moment I really got that concept, I got choice back in my life. I got some power back and some control back.
And then I started to choose to live with the consequences on certain occasions that I deemed worth paying for it with a really bad headache.
I now choose that consequence daily. See this blog post to find out more about this rather unusual choice.
Choosing Is Not Deciding
In case there is some confusion – and there will be because at times there still is for me after 8 years of grappling with this concept – choosing is not the same as deciding.
In this context, choosing is more akin to acceptance. It just gives us more of a sense of control back to call it choosing. A decision, by it’s nature, is different to this.
A decision requires that there be at least 2 things to choose between. The word decide – and any word that ends in “ide” – means a killing off of something – in this case, alternative options.
So, I guess, looking at my argument above, if I say we have 2 options – to choose our circumstance or to not choose our circumstances – we make a decision between those two options. The decision we make is to choose our illness (or not to).
The decision is not the end result. It is just a process. It is not a place from which to stand. It is not a context. It is merely a process of thinking.
So if you said, “I decided I have CFS”, that is very different to “I choose I have CFS”. The first suggests there was an alternative option. The second infers you did so of free will – and with power.
It Is As It Is. Choose It.
So, in summary, choosing that your CFS / ME (current situation) is as it is, and it’s not what it’s not, is a powerful way to go about accepting your illness or your current symptoms or relapse (or whatever it may be).
When I know I’m resisting my current circumstances – often around the CFS and electrosensitivity symptoms – my first step is to notice that I’m doing it.
Then, I take a deep breath, which resets some stuff in our brains I believe, and I say to myself “It Is As It Is. I choose it. Now what?”
Now What?
The “Now what?” of my statement above is saying to myself, “From this new perspective, what is my next step?”
I don’t have any definitive answers for you to that question. They are all personal responses specific to you.
What I can offer is the suggestion to follow that up with a question like, “What action can I take right now that will serve me?” What is something you can do or think that will serve you, nurture you, relax you etc?
Before we get into further discussion in this realm, we need to cover a couple of other topics, which I’ll look at in the next 2 blogs.
Today’s Action Step:
Consider, do you choose your illness or do you fight it? (I’ve discussed this in a previous blog post Is CFS Your Enemy Or Your Ally? It’s Your Choice.) When you consider the concept of “choosing” your illness, what comes up for you? Have you already got past that point? Do you notice you regularly have to re-choose your circumstances? Really, I just want you to ponder, when I say “Choose your CFS”, what comes up for you? If you’ve never heard of the concept I’m guessing it’ll be resistance. It’s a tough one to get your head around, but worth trying. Then, just for fun, try choosing you CFS, exactly as it is and exactly as it isn’t, in this given moment. And see how that feels.
Wow, that was a long blog. I hope it wasn’t too confusing for you. The Landmark Forum does it so much better, but I’m specifically using the distinctions of that education in the area of CFS / ME / illness here. If it’s new to you, it may take some processing.
Let me know your thoughts on Twitter or Facebook. I don’t have all the answers by any means. This concept is one I’ve struggled with myself over the years, but hopefully I’ve explained it clearly enough for you to get something out of it – hopefully further empowerment in managing your CFS!
Thanks for hanging in until the end (if you have!!)
Stay tuned for the next blog in the 31 Days To A Better CFS Life tomorrow. I promise it’ll be less philosophical! 🙂
Keep Smiling
Louise
Related Posts
Day 1: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 3 Myths of Acceptance That Hold Us Back
Day 3: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Ways To Control Our Thoughts When In Overwhelm & Despair
Day 4: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 6 Things You Can ALWAYS Do Despite CFS / ME
Day 5: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 7 Ways To Focus Your Thoughts On Something Uplifting
Day 6: 31 Day To A Better CFS Life – Being Present – 7 Simple Mindfulness Techniques To Help Manage CFS
Day 7: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Learning To Ask For Help – 5 Simple Tasks You Can ‘Outsource’ To Help Manage CFS
Day 8: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Discover Podcasts – 5 Steps To Finding & Listening To Good Podcasts
Day 9: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Listen To Your Body. I Am Today!
Day 10: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 10 Ways To Nurture Yourself & Fill Your Bucket
Day 11: 31 Day To A Better CFS Life – 5 Ways To Combat Spoonie Mother Guilt on Mother’s Day!
Day 12: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – My 5 Fave Ways To Connect With The Online CFS / ME Community
Day 13: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – How & Why Audiobooks Are A Great Illness-Management Tool
Day 14: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life -10 Top Audiobooks I Recommend
Day 15: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: 5 Tips For Getting Tasks Done When You Have CFS / ME
Day 16: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – What Are You Struggling With Most Right Now?
Day 17: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: What Are You Doing WELL In Managing CFS / ME / Fibro? What Are You NOT Struggling With?
Day 18: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 3 Things I Struggle With At The Moment & How I Manage Them
Day 19: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 101 Ways I Manage CFS / ME & Electrosensitivity Pain
Day 20: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Benefits Of Writing To Help Manage CFS / ME
Day 21: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Gratitude is Healing – 5 Ways To Practise Gratitude
Day 22: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – A Letter To Partners Of People With CFS / ME
Day 23: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 7 Healthy, Safe Ways To Release Emotions
Day 24: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public From Those With CFS / ME / FM – Part 1
Day 25: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public Pt 2 – How You Can Support Someone Who Has CFS / ME / FM