I have often talked about using distraction and changing the context in order to powerfully manage illness and pain. I realise that maybe I have given the impression that I advocate repressing negative emotions.
If so, then I apologise. Because if anything, my view is the opposite.
The Importance of Expressing & Processing Emotions
I’m a big believer in acknowledging and expressing negative emotions in healthy ways.
Living with illness and pain on a daily basis is not much fun, and can become very frustrating, to say the least.
We often feel helpless to find relief from our symptoms, let alone a permanent cure.
For people with illnesses such as CFS / ME, which have no clear cause and few agreed-upon treatments, there are further frustrations – even a sense of needing to prove we are indeed ill and not just “unmotivated” like some people may think.
Emotions associated with grief of what has been lost and fear of what the future may hold as a result of our illness/pain are often quite overwhelming.
Finding the happy balance between letting the emotions out, while not letting them overtake us is a major challenge for the person living with CFS / ME / FM.
My experience has been that learning to release emotions productively has been hugely beneficial for my physical health.
I’m not saying that CFS / ME is psychosomatic by any means, but I do believe that every physical illness has some psychoneuroimmunilogical (PNI – a long word for mind/body) component to it.
Our thoughts, emotions and beliefs affect our body, and our body affects our thoughts, emotions and beliefs.
There is more and more scientific evidence to show this every year.
But what I’m going to talk about in this blog is more about dealing with our immediate emotions, as opposed to our deep-seated wounds that may have come from the past.
I’ve just finished listening to a great 6-part program on Audible by clinical neuropsychologist Dr Mario Martinez, a biocognitive psychologist, called The Mind-Body Code: How The Mind Wounds And Heals The Body.
It is fascinating, with all the evidence he uses to back up his discussion of how our cultural beliefs can combine with our biology to create illness in our body – or wellness! (You can get it via Audible or via his site at biocognitive.com. Well worth the listen & the price).
7 Healthy, Safe Ways To Release Emotions
1. Use Breathing Techniques
In my time with CFS / ME certain emotions have been present regularly – the anger of why me?”, the sadness at all I felt I had lost and was missing in life, the fear of how long this illness would go on and, at times, deep despair and depression.
Other emotions seem to be more deep-seated and come from further back in our past.
I learned through a myo-fascial release practitioner how to use breathwork – deep, circular breathing – to release emotions that I wasn’t aware I was holding in my body.
(I just saw on Wikipedia that the type of breathwork I learned was called Rebirthing or Therapeutic Breathwork).
Although I found the breathwork and myo-fascial release really helped to release “old” emotions, which subsequently really helped certain symptoms of my CFS / ME, I have learned to use the breathwork to release emotions that come up more regularly.
For me, I just lay down in bed and start breathing deeply in and out (ideally through my mouth, but if I’m too tired it’s through my nose). I do it in a circular way, which means I don’t pause between the inhale and exhale. It gives an explanation in this article on how it is done and how it works.
I then think of the issue that is concerning me and I allow the emotions to come up in my body. I continue to feel the emotions while I keep doing the circular breathing.
Sometimes I cry, sometimes something is so emotional I feel like I can’t keep breathing o, but I force myself to continue to breathe through it.
Usually I get to a point where I’m breathing really fast, and this is where I feel the emotions release, whether through crying or otherwise (I breathe continuously through the crying).
In the beginning, I get slightly light-headed because of all the oxygen, but if I can get past that, I start to feel more energised.
Once I’ve truly worked through the emotions that are present for me – or anything it brings up from the past – I usually feel a great sense of peace, and feel more energised and ‘lighter’.
This is only one of many breathing techniques I use to manage my emotions and energy.
(It might all sound very new-Age and hippy-like, but these are the things that have made most difference to managing my health, so I’d never dismiss them as such. If this isn’t your thing, that’s okay. It won’t stop me talking about it though) 🙂
I also use ujjayi breathing, normal deep breathing, alternate nostril breathing and something called “shining skull” from yoga.
I’m also currently looking into Buteyko Breathing with Dr Janet Winter from BreathingRemedies.co.uk who has had great success in treating her own CFS / ME with these techniques, and is also now having success treating others with ME/ CFS.
Dr Mario Martinez, as mentioned above, has some great, simple methods using breathing to release emotions in the body.
Basically, the techniques he teaches are a matter of noticing the area of the body where you are feeling the emotion and them just focussing on that area and breathing into it.
NOT with the intention of relaxing it or making it go away, but just as an observer. It’s amazing how effective it can be!
2. Write
I’ve covered this topic in Day 20: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Benefits of Writing To Help Manage CFS / ME, but I’ll briefly go over it again.
When I’m trying to deal with and process strong emotions, I write my thoughts and feelings out in a journal or I write poetry.
I find the process very cathartic and grounding.
It gets me out of my head and out of my misery, and helps me to order my thoughts and get some equilibrium back.
Poetry helps me particularly when I feel there really are no words to fully describe what I’m feeling. I just start writing words that come to mind and they form a free-form poem.
This is helpful when I’m extremely emotional and trying to form coherent sentences is a challenge.
See Day 20 of 31 Days To A Better CFS Life for more information on how writing out your thoughts and feelings can help manage emotions.
3. Cry
I know. Obvious huh?
But often we don’t let ourselves cry. Or some people don’t. I’m not one of them actually.
I let myself cry pretty frequently.
Usually I let it out in the privacy of my own bedroom, in the shower, the bath, or some other place where my tears aren’t going to cause other people concern.
There’s definitely an argument for allowing your emotions to be seen by others – especially your partner and family – but this needs to be done in moderation.
Frankly, we all know that if we cried in front of people every time we felt like crying, they’d get sick of us pretty darn quickly.
Moderation is the key when allowing ourselves to show our emotions in the form of crying in front of others.
Well, I think it is anyway.
I wrote a long post called CFS & Pain: The Silent War on an Internal Battlefield, which documented a time when I was really doing it tough, I really wanted to collapse in tears, but I knew that that wouldn’t have served me or the people around me in any way.
It would have just worried them and made me feel more guilty for worrying them. Really, I just needed to have a little meltdown in privacy, and then continue on.
I do that regularly. Private mini-meltdowns (it sounds like some sort of chocolate treat!). 🙂
I find that if I just let the tears flow when I feel the need, things don’t build up as much.
This morning I had a little cry in the shower.
Actually most days I probably have a few tears of frustration over the pain and all the hurdles I need to step through in order to follow my current online dreams and passions.
And sometimes I let myself have a good, hearty sobbing howl.
I just do it when nobody else is around because usually it’s just a way of me letting go of frustrations or fears. I need to allow myself to feel, let it go, and then I can get up off the floor and keep going.
I heard a great line in Katy Perry’s “By The Grace of God” this morning:
“I picked myself back up. I put one foot in front of the other and I looked in the mirror and decided to stay”.
4. Play loud, aggressive, or inspiring anthemic music
I use music a lot to help me process emotions. I always have.
Depending on my mood, I play sad, heart-wrenching songs (when I need a cry & to feel sorry for myself), anthemic, inspiring songs (when I need a boost or am trying to snap myself out of a funk), or loud, aggressive music (if I’m feeling angry and want to let it out).
If I’m not up to singing the songs (which often I’m not because it wears me out), I allow the singer to express my feelings for me.
You’ll find some of my favourite uplifting songs in my post 25 Songs That Lift My Spirit While Managing CFS.
In that list there are some songs that, although they uplift me, they do so in more of a cathartic way that allows me to get my emotions out.
I find Jewel, Bon Jovi, Alanis Morrisette, Missy Higgins and Pink are some of the many singers I seek out to help me express my emotions.
They do it so well in their lyrics and music.
5. Scream into a pillow
If you have the energy!
As I said, I often don’t have the energy to sing, so screaming takes even more energy. But boy it feels good sometimes if you can manage it.
Punching a pillow can be even better, but I usually find that if I have the energy and strength to do it at the time, I suffer for it later – sore arm, neck etc.
It might sound a little violent to do these things. And it is.
But it’s much better than screaming at or punching a person in your life, which could happen if you’re feeling extremely frustrated, angry and overwhelmed.
If you have a car, they’re usually pretty well sealed, so having a good yell and scream in the car can work well too if it’s got to that point.
I think these options are way better than bottling our feelings up and having them eat us up internally.
Ultimately, I believe our emotions come out one way or another, whether that be overtly (like the ways I’m talking about) or covertly (in the form of passive aggression).
They can also come out as an explosion of emotion if they are bottled up, which doesn’t serve anyone.
And if they are held in and “swallowed”, I believe that can lead to passive aggressive nastiness, bitterness, snide comments, and the like, which is not nice to be around and not nice to be the person acting that way.
These are some of the many reasons I’m such an advocate for processing and expressing emotions – safely and productively.
6. See a counsellor, psychologist, coach or other professional
This is not one you can do from the comfort of your own bed – although, actually, coaches like myself do have phone consultations, so maybe you could!
I’ve seen counsellors/psychologists and coaches of various sorts many times over the past 21 years.
I find that talking out my feelings to someone completely unconnected to my life is extremely helpful at times.
At times of crisis, I’ve even called the telephone crisis counselling line Lifeline (where I was once a counsellor myself), and it has been very helpful to talk to someone anonymously about what I was going through at the time.
There is no doubt that if you find the right professional to talk to, it can be very helpful in processing emotions around your life with CFS /ME / FM, or just life in general.
I think every person could benefit from regularly visiting a counsellor/psych/coach.
All do things a little differently, even those that have been trained the same way, so finding someone that you resonate with is important.
And when you find them, they will be a blessing to you and your life – as long as you’re willing to open up and be authentic with them.
That’s tough for some people, but it’s the only way you’ll really get the full benefits of any sort of counselling.
7. Forgive and Let Go
Easy to say, not as easy to do.
But holding resentment and anger may hurt others around you (which you may intend at times), but in the end it hurts you the most.
Somehow, someway, learn to let go of grudges, hurts, painful betrayals and anything that has caused you to feel hurt and take offense.
I once read a great thing in a family’s Mission Statement they had created:
“1. I will not hold grudges. 2. I will not take offense.”
Imagine a life and a world where THAT was the norm!
I often quote the following, and I think it says it all with regard to the importance of giving up resentment, and learning to forgive:
“Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”.
Resentment and lack of forgiveness poisons US, not the person or people we’re resentful or angry towards.
Forgiveness is a process and is multi-layered, but it’s possible no matter what traumas you’ve experienced. I’ve seen people forgive the person who molested them as a child. I’ve seen them forgive rapists and murderers.
You CAN forgive anything if you really want to – and have the tools to do so.
In my experience, forgiveness, like grief, is like peeling the layers off an onion.
You forgive in the given moment. Then at a later point, something triggers the anger, hurt and resentment again, and you have to forgive again. Then in time, there’s some other trigger. You forgive again … and again …. and again …
And over time, you find the letting go and forgiveness is a little easier each time.
Then someday you’ll find you don’t get triggered anymore.
And sometimes you even forget what you were angry about in the first place! 🙂
I once heard a great summary of sadness and anger. It went something like:
“Anger comes from a thwarted desire (we wish we had something we don’t). Sadness comes from feeling that we have lost something.”
I think that living with CFS / ME / FM and other illnesses provides us with a constant stream of thwarted desires and losses.
It’s okay to acknowledge our frustrations, anger, fears, sadness and grief over all the ways CFS / ME / FM has changed our lives.
It’s okay to express these emotions.
Earlier I referred to them as “negative” emotions, but they’re NOT negative, they’re just emotions.
Judging them either negative or positive is just that – judging them.
We are emotional creatures us human beings, and it is important that we allow ourselves to acknowledge, express and process our emotions – however pleasant or not pleasant they may feel.
Allowing these emotions the freedom to just be, and NOT judging them can possibly be the easiest way for us to diffuse the effect they have on our lives.
Another case of simple, but not easy!
Today’s Action Step
What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What are you grieving the loss of due to your CFS / ME / Fibromyalgia? Take a look inside yourself and see what emotions are there that are going unexpressed or unprocessed. Then choose one or more of the 7 ideas above as a way of expressing and processing that emotion and the thoughts and feelings associated with it.
I’m slowly getting through my 31 Days of this series. I burned myself out doing the first 21, so the last few are taking are little longer than planned.
Be sure to check out my last post about my official audio blog launch. There are currently 50 blog posts downloadable as mp3s on the site. Just search Audio Blog in the search bar and scroll to the bottom of the page to play or download.
Auf Wiedersehen
Keep Smiling 🙂
Louise
Related Posts
Day 1: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 3 Myths of Acceptance That Hold Us Back
Day 2: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – It Is As It Is. Choose It!
Day 3: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Ways To Control Our Thoughts When In Overwhelm & Despair
Day 4: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 6 Things You Can ALWAYS Do Despite CFS / ME
Day 5: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 7 Ways To Focus Your Thoughts On Something Uplifting
Day 6: 31 Day To A Better CFS Life – Being Present – 7 Simple Mindfulness Techniques To Help Manage CFS
Day 7: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Learning To Ask For Help – 5 Simple Tasks You Can ‘Outsource’ To Help Manage CFS
Day 8: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Discover Podcasts – 5 Steps To Finding & Listening To Good Podcasts
Day 9: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Listen To Your Body. I Am Today!
Day 10: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 10 Ways To Nurture Yourself & Fill Your Bucket
Day 11: 31 Day To A Better CFS Life – 5 Ways To Combat Spoonie Mother Guilt on Mother’s Day!
Day 12: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – My 5 Fave Ways To Connect With The Online CFS / ME Community
Day 13: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – How & Why Audiobooks Are A Great Illness-Management Tool
Day 14: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life -10 Top Audiobooks I Recommend
Day 15: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: 5 Tips For Getting Tasks Done When You Have CFS / ME
Day 16: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – What Are You Struggling With Most Right Now?
Day 17: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: What Are You Doing WELL In Managing CFS / ME / Fibro? What Are You NOT Struggling With?
Day 18: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 3 Things I Struggle With At The Moment & How I Manage Them
Day 19: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 101 Ways I Manage CFS / ME & Electrosensitivity Pain
Day 20: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Benefits Of Writing To Help Manage CFS / ME
Day 21: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Gratitude is Healing – 5 Ways To Practise Gratitude
Day 22: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – A Letter To Partners Of People With CFS / ME
Day 24: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public From Those With CFS / ME / FM – Part 1
Day 25: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public Pt 2 – How You Can Support Someone Who Has CFS / ME / FM
Julie says
Forgiveness has been a big one for me. In addition to those you mentioned I’d add Meditation and Artwork. Making art (of any kind), even if you suck at it, is a great way to release energy.
Louise Bibby says
Great suggestions Julie! I’m definitely with you on both of them. I’ve used artwork (dry pastel/charcoal/pencil drawing mostly) to express emotions and just generally express myself all my life. Art truly is a great way to release energy, and regardless of people’s views on their abilities, just like beauty, it’s all in the eye of the beholder :-). Nobody can really be bad at art if they look at it that way!
Re Meditation, I hadn’t really thought of it as a way of releasing emotions, but of course it is because it’s so calming and centring (a word?!). It’s one I’ve used over the years too – though not as regularly as I’d like.
And re Forgiveness, I think to move forward and not get ‘stuck’ in illness, we need to forgive ourselves, the Universe, etc. It’s not easy and it takes work, but as you would know, it’s worth every bit of the effort!
By the way, sorry about the delayed reply. I didn’t see the notification for this, so just noticed it in amongst the spam that had slipped through. Very glad I found it! I love comments! 🙂
Thank you 🙂
Louise
Annys Blackwell says
Great article, Louise! Well worth waiting for, so take your time about working on them, please!
I’m having to work on crying – often, if you’ve had a difficult childhood, you can’t cry, no matter how much you want to. But there are some excellent blogs and articles about it online – one was by Walter Last, called ‘Learning to Feel’. It’s slowly coming, and I’m having to learn to be patient and not to panic – feeling is ODD after all this time! 🙂
And, if you don’t have the energy to throw pillows around, tapping (EFT, TAT, TFT etc.) is excellent at helping you through.
I’m going back to have another look at all the riches in this article … once again, thanks, and take good care of yourself! <3
Louise Bibby says
Thanks Annys. I love getting your feedback.
Good on you for seeking out blogs and articles to “Learn How To Feel” again. Obviously you had a tough childhood, and, as you say, it’s difficult to allow yourself to feel anything too deeply – you’ve learned to protect yourself from that stuff very early on and undoing that protective mechanism is not a simple thing. I don’t know what the details of your childhood are, but a book I found very interesting that may be of help to you is Tian Dayton’s “Trauma and Addiction: Ending The Cycle of Pain Through Emotional Literacy”. I bought it because it was recommended by a friend who experienced sexual abuse as a child, and being a Psychology major I find these books interesting.
And great suggestions re tapping. I know a lot of people that EFT has helped. I tried it years ago, but I was in a really bad way at the time (read my pregnancy series if you dare!!), and it didn’t make any noticable difference. I know my Mum got a lot of benefit from it after having a car crash. She overcame her fear of driving again in traffic by using it, so I definitely believe in its efficacy.
I’m so glad you got so much value from the blog post. It makes it all worth the effort when I get feedback like yours 🙂
And don’t worry. I DO push myself, but I’ve also learned to use many tools to manage my health. I may crash at times, but I do have a pretty good management regime going. The EMR headaches just wear me down at times, but I love the blogging (and writing and creating products to benefit people with ME/CFS & other spoonies) so much that the joy it gives me overrides the pain overall.
Keep Smiling my friend
Louise 🙂
Annys Blackwell says
Yes, Louise – it’s about finding creative ways through it all, isn’t it? I’m finding ways of ‘coming down’ when I’ve got over tired, like isochronic and binaural tapes. And there have been times when the tapping didn’t work, but I have times when it does, when I’m on a roll and things start moving.
I’ll take a look at that book, thanks for the hint. Nancy Napier’s books (Recreating Yourself and Getting Through the Day) are excellent, too. I don’t know how true it is for everyone with CFS/ME/whatever you prefer to call it, but for me it’s definitely been about finding my own strengths and creativity, and it sounds as if it might be for you too.
Loads of love xxx