In honour of Valentine’s Day, which is fast approaching, I’ve decided, at the advice of Anita Moorjani, to start “cultivating a deep love affair” with myselfΒ – and I thought I’d invite my fellow CFS / ME / Spoonies along for the ride.
A love affair with yourself?? What do you mean Louise? Are you on some kind of hippy juice?
I know. “Love yourself” and “if you don’t love yourself, nobody else can” etc have almost become commercialised in our world today.
We hear those phrases all the time, but let’s face it, do many of us really know how to do it??
Or maybe we DO know how, but knowing doesn’t mean we do it.
I actually think that for as many self-help books/audios/podcasts/courses I’ve consumed, I know the theory of loving myself, but I’m still not that crash hot on the practice of it.
So I’ve decided to give myself a 30 Day Challenge and have a love affair with myself (to be completely honest, I’ve been conducting a secret affair for a few days already cos I’ve been a bit shy to post this and make it real!! π
Why would you want to do something like that? (and by the way, it sounds a bit creepy!)
I’ve been inspired, for about the millionth time, by Anita Moorjani (see quote above!)
Anita’s book, Dying To Be Me: My Journey From Cancer, To Near Death, To True Healing, is one that has changed my life. I bought it on Audible about 18 months ago and I’ve listened to it countless times since then. I relisten to the last few chapters on a regular basis.
What Anita learned after her miraculous recovery from end-stage leukaemia, and the near death experience (NDE) she had as a precursor to her recovery, is just fascinating. It has given me a whole new perspective on life and death.
I find her so humble, matter-of-fact and wise, but I also relate to her as a normal person who experienced something extraordinary.
She didn’t seek publicity to share her story, but despite that, Wayne Dyer heard her story and insisted Hay House work with her to write and publish her story/book.
Even if you think it sounds like rubbish, I’d put aside those judgements and get yourself a copy of the book. I’d recommend getting it on Audible or in audio in some way because Anita actually reads it herself, and in my opinion that’s much more powerful.
Despite listening so many times, I still get something new out of every listen.
So what’s the love affair got to do with it?
Well, the message I got today in my relistening was the message that most people don’t love themselves enough and one of the best things we can do for ourselves and the world at large is to “cultivate a deep love affair with ourselves”.
That might sound over the top, but Anita is far from that.
She says that what she saw in her NDE was that at our core we are pure love, but we forget that as we grow up and have different experiences, values, judgements etc thrust upon us.
Trying Out The Self-Love Affair
So I’ve decided to try it.
As I said above, I’ve done a lot of work for a lot of years on trying to love myself more and accept myself for who I am, rather than what others expect me to be. I think I’ve come a long way, but I’m also very aware of how far I’ve got to go.
I know other people who seem to have this strong sense of confidence and belief in themselves, who’ve managed to break through all their insecurities and truly love themselves, but frankly, I also know that those people are few and far between.
I decided today that in order to make the difference I want to make in the world, I have to learn from Anita and take on “being pure love” and truly loving myself without judgement – the ‘good’, the ‘bad’ and the ‘ugly’ (I put those in quotes because they are merely judgements).
I truly believe that if I could totally, utterly love myself then that would give my life, my health, my business a whole different energy and space to grow.
So if this is sounding ridiculous to you by now, hang in there.
I’m hoping that me sharing this with you will offer you something for yourself, and that you will see how it can also help you manage your CFS / ME or other Spoonie illness is a more empowered way.
How do I have a love affair with myself?
I am such a ‘how’ person. I need to know how and I also need to know why. That’s when I feel most comfortable, but this isn’t about comfort π
When I contemplate the idea of “being love” and “having a love affair with myself”, I get the feeling there’s no clear ‘how’. It’s more a matter of living it and learning as you go.
In fact, the whole uncertainty around how to go about this makes me feel very uncomfortable. My skin is kind of crawling because I really don’t like things that have no clear “how” to them.
Which is why I often take these sort of things on – I know I’ll learn a lot by stepping through my fear and discomfort and just trying it.
Why is it important to love yourself when you have CFS / ME or other Spoonie health conditions?
Part of me is saying to myself “Duh! Of course it’s important to love yourself. Why even try to explain it?”. But really, WHY is it important?
Well, this is just my perspective (funny that, seeing it’s my blog!), but here goes.
1. I truly do believe that other people can only love us to the degree that we love ourselves – to the degree that we allow them to love us. We will reject love in all its forms according to the level that we believe we deserve that love. And most of us have a deep-down belief that, on some level, for some reason, we are not lovable and do not deserve to be loved. Deep, yes. True, I reckon.
2. I also believe that we are only able to give love to others at the same level as our ability to love ourselves. This is controversial. BrenΓ© Brown explores it in her various books via her research into shame, vulnerability and empathy. And she concludes, after many years of research and interviewing many hundreds of people, that, no, we can’t even love our children more than we love ourselves.
I agree with her. It’s a hard one to face, but we may have many lovely moments of showing our children deep, unconditional love, but unless they are seeing us model that same love toward ourselves, all the other stuff is moot.
Children take on what they see much more strongly than the words they see. If they see us putting ourselves down about the way we look, the fact we are ill, the fact we made a mistake and so on, that is what they are going to think is how we also feel about them.
3. I believe love is synonymous with peace. In fact, I think they may be one and the same. When I feel deep love, I feel peace. When I feel deeply at peace, I feel love. For me, that peace/love feeling is what people call God, Allah, Chi, The Universe, Life Force Energy and the other names that there are for that invisible energy of life that we all know but find hard to explain.
For us to heal, or to just be in a space where our illness doesn’t dominate our lives, peace is an essential ingredient – or it helps anyway.
The more I fight the circumstances of CFS / ME, Electrosensitivity or other aspects of my life, the worse I feel. If I can feel peace around them, feel forgiveness and give myself compassion (all forms of love), I find my life has much more quality to it regardless of my symptoms.
Back To How
So now we get back to HOW do we love ourselves? More to the point, HOW do you cultivate a love affair with yourself?
Frankly I DON’T KNOW, which pains me to admit.
But this is what I’m going to try, and I invite you to try it too.
7 Ways To Have A Love Affair With Yourself
1. Meditate With Focus, Stillness & Silence
I’m sure we have all had the experience of feeling that warm, peaceful, almost-magical feeling in our chests as we look at someone or something that fills us with love.
For me, I draw on memories with former intimate partners, memories and visions of my daughter, being in certain places in nature or listening to a certain piece of music or looking at beauty in art or otherwise to tap into that feeling once again.
These moments can often be fleeting, but I’ve learned to bring the feeling of those moments back to me by focussing on them in a relaxed, meditative state.
I don’t necessarily mean sitting cross-legged on the floor. I can do it anywhere, but I do usually need there to be a stillness and/or silence around me (unless I’m using music to ignite the memory).
When I sit, stand or lie in stillness for a while, I find my body, mind and spirit quieting, and that’s when I pull in the memory of something or some time when I’ve felt that special warmth in my chest.
I then allow myself to bask in that warm feeling, allowing it to fill my whole being, and I stay in that space as long as possible.
I believe that special warmth, that’s like pure joy, love and peace all in one, is what “being” love is.
I believe that that is tapping into the love that I am at my core – and that every single one of us on this earth is at our core.
And I think that basking in that feeling as much as possible will be like lying in a warm mineral bath, absorbing the minerals into our body, and it will help me (and you) to act in loving ways toward ourselves and others when we come from that powerful space.
Anita talks about how she needs to frequently centre herself by being in nature or just quieting her mind. This is where I’m going with this.
You can practise active meditation throughout the day too, not just when you’re being still.
As I know that feeling of love and what memories or activities ignite it in me, I plan to ignite that feeling as much as possible every day.
So, many times in the day, I plan to stop and pull that feeling to me, whether I am sitting at my desk working, driving my car, laying in bed or doing the housework.
I’m going to practice “being love” as regularly as I can throughout the day. Then when I take my next step/action in the day, I will be coming from that loving, peaceful space.
2. Talk Nicely To Yourself
One of the keys to cultivating a deep love affair with yourself, according to Anita, is to talk nicely to ourselves.
I am a shocker at this. To others I am the nicest person in the world (well, to most people who don’t get to see the inner sanctum anyway!), but to myself I can be a horrible witch.
Frankly if I spoke to others the way I speak to myself at times, I’d have no friends.
So it’s time to do something about that. Time to talk to myself (in my head, not out loud – unless I’m on my own) as if I am my best friend. I’ll come back later and put in a great affirmation of Louise Hay’s that I have on a card somewhere. Stay tuned!
3. Notice When The Love Affair Has Lost Its Zing & Cut Yourself Some Slack
I started practising my love affair with myself today. I held onto it as I drove to pick my daughter up from school, as I visited the chiropractor, as I returned a pair of shoes to a store … but then we went to the supermarket! Tired, bad headache, crowded supermarket, hungry child, hungry mother = love affair getting very rocky!
So I made the decision to return the few goods to the shelves and leave the supermarket. That was the most loving thing I could do for all concerned.
I felt guilty because I’d spoken grumpily to my daughter and to myself. I felt I was a failure already in the love-affair-with-myself stakes. Really, I was a little worried the love affair was over before it had really even begun! π
Ever had that feeling in a real love affair with another person?
“I thought you understood me. I thought you really got who I was. But I see now that I was living in a fantasy world and you don’t get me at all!” or, a little lighter, “It just doesn’t feel like it did in the beginning. I wonder if that means we’re not right for each other? Maybe he doesn’t really love me as much as I love him …”. You get the picture!
Did you find it happening with your child/ren?
“Oh, aren’t they just the most gorgeous, amazing miracle? I’ve never felt love like this!!” to … “OMG! Why can’t I get her to stop screaming?? Seriously? How can a baby so small cry so loud, poo so much and sleep so little? How do all those other mothers do this? You really should be able to have a return policy on these things because this is not at all what it’s cracked up to be??!!) π
S0 in our love affair with ourselves, expect to hit rocky patches. And when they hit, cut yourself some slack.
Realise you’re only human. This loving yourself thing is not easy.
PLUS loving yourself and having a life-long love affair means loving all sides of the person you are in love with – ie you need to love all sides of yourself, even the parts of your personality or body etc that you think are ugly and shameful. You especially need to love those bits!.
4. Remember Compassion, Forgiveness, Kindness and Generosity Are All Aspects Of Love
We often mistakenly put love in a category of its own with regard to our virtues or feelings, but love comes in many shapes and forms.
Showing compassion and empathy are ways to be loving. So be compassionate and empathic towards yourself (can you be empathic toward yourself? For this exercise, let’s just say YES).
If you fall off the wagon and find yourself feeding your face with food that is not being loving towards your body, show yourself some compassion.
In fact, sometimes it’s just better to indulge in foods or actions you enjoy, but know aren’t supposed to be good for you, but do it consciously, rather than munch away guiltily and feel hatred toward yourself later.
If food’s a way you find comfort, sometimes just let yourself have that comfort as an act of love. YOU will know when comfort moves to avoidance (I’m a great one for eating rubbish when I’m in pain – aka almost all my waking hours – so this is one I have to be conscious of. Sometimes I just say “to heck with it. I’m just gonna eat it anyway”, but if I can do that by consciously saying “I’m choosing to eat this as an avoidance tactic right now”, I take the power back and feel less guilt. I can always start afresh the next day and make another choice then, which I often do).
Find ways to forgive yourself when you stuff up.
Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive yourself for not being healthy (that’s a whole other can of worms!). Forgive yourself for not being the perfect parent/friend/partner etc. Nobody is ever perfect. Part of true love is being able to forgive, so forgive yourself.
And find ways to be kind and generous to yourself.
Nurture yourself. Pamper yourself.
Even in tiny ways like burning an essential oil in your bedroom or bringing some flowers in and putting them in a vase.
Do what’s within your energy limits, but find ways to be kind and generous to yourself in the way that you would if you had a new love in your life.
5. Treat Yourself The Way You Have/Would/Do Treat Someone You’re Madly In Love With
If you were/are madly in love now or if you’ve ever been madly in love, what sort of things did/do you do for the other person? What words of affection did/do you use toward them? What ways did you show your love to them – or do you continue to show your love toward them?
Do you give them some space/time alone when you realise they need it?
Did you give them a night off to do exactly what they wanted to do? Fun stuff. Pointless stuff. Play.
Do you cook them delicious, healthy meals or pack their lunch?
Did you buy them a copy of their favourite CD/movie?
Do you refer to them in affectionate terms like babe, beautiful, honey, sexy, gorgeous, darl, etc?
Did you often give them compliments and thank them for doing things around the house?
Did you buy them flowers? Give them a massage when their shoulders were tense? Write them love poetry?
You can do all those things for yourself in one way or another. See how creative you can get.
What is the most romantic thing someone could do for you? If you were totally in love right now and could do anything for the one you love (ie YOU), what would it be?
A trip to Paris? A trip to Disneyland? Breakfast in bed? A night out at a fancy hotel? A romantic dinner?
Maybe you can’t do the whole thing, but maybe you can do part of it.
A trip to Paris? Treat yourself to a film set in Paris or make a collage on the computer of Paris photos, print it and hang it on the wall in your bedroom.
A romantic dinner? Set the table with tablecloth, candles and your best crockery and cutlery. Put a vase of flowers on the table. Order takeaway and serve it to yourself while playing mood music in the background.
Fancy hotel? Put mints on your pillow, put a low wattage globe in your lamp, change your pillow case to one you don’t usually use, … I’m running out of ideas, but I’m sure you can think of other ways of creating the effect without leaving home.
And if the budget allows, actually take yourself to that fancy hotel. If you’re physically not up to going far, get a taxi to your nearest fancy hotel and just take the essentials – a book, chocolate, sleepwear, dressing gown, slippers, iPod/phone with your fave music or audio book. Or just lay back, order room service and watch TV (or listen if you’re too tired to keep your eyes open).
6. Be Present
Just by being fully present, I believe it is a way of giving love to ourselves.
It means we are not trapped in the memories of the past or the anxiety of the future (the major causes of stress in my humble opinion), but rather, we are basking in the present moment.
It is a majorly under-rated activity, but when I do it I feel such a peace come over me. Admittedly, I don’t do it enough. But for the next 30 days (at least), I’ll be focussing on creating a regular habit of it throughout my day.
Once again, it’s a form of centring myself and bringing myself back to peace and calm.
7. Practise Gratitude
I’ve always been pretty able to be grateful for what I have, but I’m just like everyone else in that I often forget to be grateful in amongst all the pain, illness, parenting and other life stressors.
That’s why my #365Gratefuls #Spoonie project that I embarked upon 401 days ago has been a great practice for me.
I encourage you to read about the project and join me in it.
All of these are just ideas. Most of them I’m going to try out myself and report back to you. In fact I’m planning to post a short video on YouTube every day for the next 30 days – or every second day (I won’t put too much pressure on myself. I need to pace!!). I’ll tweet them out when I’m done each day so you can keep up with my journey. This is quite scary, but I think it could be interesting too – for me and for others to learn from! π
For some further inspiration, check out my earlier posts below:
Day 10: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life β 10 Ways To Nurture Yourself & Fill Your Bucket
Nurture Yourself Through Illness and Pain
Day 6: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life β Being Present β 7 Simple Mindfulness Techniques To Help Manage CFS
Day 21: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life β Gratitude is Healing β 5 Ways To Practise Gratitude
#365Gratefuls #Spoonie Project – I Did It!
Keep Smiling and LOVE YOURSELF Guru Crew
Louise π
Update: My next post is about ways you can start your own #SelfLoveAffair and share you #SelfLoveJourney. Be part of the #SelfLoveRevolution and let’s get these hashtags trending on Valentine’s Day and beyond. John and Yoko would be proud π – #SelfLoveAffair – Join The Self Love Revolution