So did I confuse you yesterday with all my talk of “choosing your CFS” or did it make total sense?
Not an easy read with brain fog, so hopefully people leave that one till they are having a good day! 🙂
But following on from the whole “It Is As It Is. Choose It!” conversation … Remember how I then ask myself “Now What?!” This blog is about the now what.
Feeling Out Of Control
At the moment – or at certain times – you may feel like your life is totally out of your control.
With an illness like CFS / ME, we often feel we have no control over our body (or very little control), little control over our environment, our finances and our general life situation.
This can be really depressing. It can be frustrating, and quite devastating, to feel that we have no control over our lives. Feeling totally out of control of our lives is a recipe for despair.
Human beings like to be in control. We need to feel we have control over our lives to feel safe. It’s a very natural thing.
So when we feel out of control, we feel helpless, anxious and often hopeless. This is often the experience of people with CFS.
So how do we start to change this? How do we start to feel more in control, more empowered, and less out of control?
Well, after the Acceptance of our illness (Day 1), and the act of ‘choosing’ our illness (Day 2), the next step is realising and acknowledging the following …
We Can’t Control Much, But We Can Control Our Thoughts
You may not be able to control much in your life at the moment, but you can control your thoughts. You can always control your thoughts.
Now some people may argue that point, but I think in 99% of the time, we can control our thoughts in some way, even when we are experiencing deep depression.
I admit, with the chemical imbalances involved in depression, there are extra challenges to controlling our thoughts, but I still believe we have a certain degree of control even in these cases.
(Note: This is also barring extreme brain fog. I don’t experience extreme levels of this symptom, so others are more qualified to tell me whether they feel they can control their thoughts during severe brain fog.)
Even when we’re not experiencing depression as a consequence of our CFS experience, sometimes our emotions get hold of us and we feel like we can’t control anything, but in this post I’m going to show you some ways to take back control when we’re in emotional overwhelm.
So, coming from the stance that we can always control out thoughts – albeit with a little work – we need to make sure that our thoughts are serving us, rather than disempowering us or being used as weapons against ourselves.
Sometimes our thoughts creep up behind us and they ambush us. They become weapons against us rather than being our friends.
Ultimately, we need to learn to use the words in our head as our friends and not our enemies.
Moments Of Despair
Sometimes when we’re feeling particularly out of control of our lives, when our body is doing things that we don’t understand, the doctors don’t know how to treat the symptoms, and all seems to be going to hell in a hand-basket, we truly feel we have no control over anything.
In those moments of emotional overwhelm (or day, weeks or months!), fear, anger and grief overcome us. Depression and despair can really take hold.
I know. I’ve been there more than once.
It’s not easy to pull yourself out of the negative, doomsday thinking of depression and despair. It’s like a dark cloud is hanging over you and a heavy weight is on your chest.
Words don’t seem to mean much at those times.
But be assured words are constantly working their ‘magic’ on your emotional state – black magic, in the case of depression.
Yes, your physical state DOES affect your emotional state and your style of thinking. However we still have way more control over our thoughts at these times than we give ourselves credit for.
I don’t say this from theory. I say this from experience.
So how do you control your thinking when you’re depressed and in despair? Here are 5 suggestions to get you started.
5 Ways To Control Our Thinking When We’re Overwhelmed & In Despair
1. Notice The Overwhelm & Interrupt It
The first step in taking control of our thoughts when we are in overwhelm and despair is to notice that we are in a state of overwhelm and despair, and then takes steps to interrupt that thinking process.
I’ve been in that state many, many times and what I’ve found really helps is to be able to notice when I’m in that state (not easy, but possible!).
Have you ever noticed that there’s always another part of your brain that is observing all that the chatter that is going on inside your head?
Dr Russ Harris from the book The Happiness Trap calls this “The Observer Mind”.
So the Observer mind is always present, even if it, too, feels out of control. And at these moments of crisis, overwhelm or despair, I’ve found that it’s possible to allow that Observer mind to step in and interrupt the “out-of-control”, negative thinking that is dominant in these moments.
In a particularly bad ‘relapse’ period some years ago, I could feel myself spiralling down into despair.
I was crying uncontrollably, getting more and more dramatic with my catastrophizing thoughts by the second – “I can’t do this anymore”, “This can’t be happening again“, “This is never going to end”, “I JUST CAN’T FIGHT ANYMORE” and so on.
Sound familiar?
But in my state of despair and uncontrollable crying, my observer mind could see I was headed for depression city. And, having been to that destination before, I knew that I never wanted to go there again.
So my despairing mind and my observer mind had a little conversation. Luckily the observer mind won the argument. It went something like this …
Observer: “Stop. Just stop! You know where this is going, and you don’t want to go there again. So just stop!”
Despairer: “I know. But I can’t stop. I feel so awful and it’s been going for weeks now. There’s no sign it’s improving. This is just like the other times. What if it doesn’t get better this time? I just can’t do it again! (and it kind of feels good to just lose control like this and just keep crying!)”
Observer: “I know. But you know if you don’t stop this way of thinking, you’ll end up depressed again. Is that what you want?”
Despairer: “No, of course not!”
Observer: “Well, you need to stop!! Now! Really! You CAN stop. You know you can. Just stop the thoughts NOW!”
It was like I gave myself a metaphorical slap in the face and said “Snap out of it!”. And it worked.
2. Calm Yourself Physiologically
In the process I went through above there were a number of further parts to it, but while I was going through the thinking process that I’ll outline in the next few steps, I was physically taking steps to calm my body down.
This is what you need to do also.
Once you’ve interrupted the thinking on a mental level, you need to start calming the physical parts of you that have been kicked into gear during this fight/flight process.
How?
Just breathe.
Start to slow your breathing down and breathe deeper and deeper breaths. For a while, after saying to yourself “Stop” – either internally or aloud – take some moments to focus purely on deep breathing.
This acts like putting a broomstick in the spokes of a bicycle wheel. It helps to halt the negative thoughts, and to stop the panic state your body has gone into (meanwhile, stopping the logical side of your brain from being able to function!)
At these times, mindfulness is a great tool too. Opening your eyes and just focussing intently and completely on what is in front you, while doing your deep breathing, can be extremely powerful.
Fully absorb yourself in the colours you are seeing, the texture, the lights, the dark, whatever you are seeing. This helps get you back in the present.
It’s only when we allow our thinking to get too hooked in the past or too hooked in the future that we feel despair and overwhelm.
We may think we’re reacting to the present circumstances, but I’d suggest it’s almost always a reaction to the thoughts we’re having about how our present circumstances may affect our future or how they compare to our past.
So, interrupt the physical state of overwhelm and despair by using deep breathing and mindfulness.
3. Positive Self-Talk – Restructuring Our Thoughts
In the state of despair I describe above, after I said “Stop!” and interrupted my thoughts with a little self-coaching, I then went further.
I said to myself:
“These thoughts are not serving me. I can’t control much, but I can control my thoughts. So what am I going to think right now that is going to serve me? What are the thoughts that I’m going to put into my mind that are going to serve me, that are going to be nurturing, that are going to be caring and that are going to help move me forward?”
“What thoughts can I think that will empower me?”
Now this can take some practice but we can all do it, and it is literally what I did at that time.
I’m quite sure that every person reading this has heard of “positive thinking”, and have probably at times resented the well-meaning advice of others to “just think positive”. I sure know I have!
And I guess in a way thinking positive thoughts is what I’m talking about.
But it’s really more about restructuring your thinking.
It’s restructuring your thoughts, restructuring your context within which you are thinking, so that when when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts such as, “This is never going to get better” or “I can’t do this anymore”, or “My life is over” etc, you have the ability to turn those around.
It’s okay to have those thoughts and it’s okay to acknowledge them, because they are very valid thoughts. It’s important to acknowledge them as such.
But it’s when they are controlling your world, and you are not empowered, that they need to be reigned in – unless you want to feed depression.
So when you find yourself thinking over and over and over again those same negative thoughts like those above, that’s when the tiny voice of that observer mind can notice and step in and say “Stop! These thoughts are not serving me. Stop now! What can you think about right now that will serve you?
“What can you think about right now that will give you some sense of hope, some sense of positivity, some sense of light at the end of that tunnel?”
In the scenario above, I asked myself, “Is there anything I need to do right now to care for myself?”. The answer was really just to rest.
I said to myself “What can I do in the next 15 minutes that will serve me?” (When I’m that much of a mess 15 minutes ahead of time is all I can manage in my thinking. If I’m not quite to that point, I can go in hourly increments or more).
I realised I hadn’t taken my daily supplements, one of which is a powder drink that I know really helps me. So I made the 15 minute plan of getting up to take those supplements, then going back to bed to listen to the radio.
4. Sometimes We Just Need to Stop Thinking or Distract Our Mind
It might sound strange, but sometimes the best thing we can do in this crisis/overwhelm/despair moments, after we’ve taken the steps above, can just be to stop your thoughts completely.
Now stopping our thoughts completely is pretty much impossible. It’s very rare even in people who meditate deeply for them to even stop their thinking completely.
So what I mean by “stopping thinking” is more about distracting your thoughts elsewhere.
If you’re really in a bad state and you can’t turn that frown upside down, what you can do is access the bank of things (that you’ve built up over time) that you know will pull you out of that thinking or at least distract you from that thinking and put you in a holding pattern.
I’m a big one for distraction as I’ve spoken about in a couple of blogs – here and here – so for me, I use things like radio, podcasts, audiobooks and reading novels to distract my mind away from my own negative internal dialogue.
These things are all things I can do in bed, many of them with my eyes closed, because it’s often when I’m extremely fatigued and bed-bound that I have these melt-downs that require me to intervene and distract my mind.
And then there’s the days when I just, for whatever reason, know that whatever thought I think, I just manage to turn it to a negative. It’s usually when I’m feeling physically bad, but sometimes it’s a combination of things.
On those day I know that I have to take evasive action or be in for one miserable day.
And sometimes that will mean I say to myself, “Okay I’m not going to think right now. I’m not going to think. I’m just going to do what I need to do right now. I’m gonna focus exactly on what I’m doing and just take put one foot in front of the other and do what I need to do.”
For instance, on school mornings when I need to get my daughter to school it can be: “Okay, I need to get in and have a shower. I need to get dressed. I need to make my daughter’s breakfast and her lunch, pack it, and I need to drive her to school.”
They are the things I focus on in a very mindful, focussed way. I don’t allow myself to think about how horrible I feel and what that may mean for the rest of the day. I’m like a robot. One foot in front of the other.
When I get home, if I know it’s going to be one of those “negative thinking” days, I escape into a book – a novel usually, not a serious book, a fiction book that I enjoy and that has some uplifting phrases.
Or I will escape into an entertaining, funny podcast or a business related-podcast that I enjoy, or an uplifting audio book or music.
I often go for those sort of things because they don’t involve the electro-magnetic radiation (because of the headaches that I get from that), but other people can escape into uplifting things on the internet (you can watch funny cat videos on YouTube. I believe there are many of them!).
5. Laugh … Or Find Other Ways To Kick In The Endorphins
Funny cat videos aside, there are many ways that we can find things that make us laugh and, in the process, give us a chance to kick in nature’s painkillers – Endorphins!
Norman Cousins explored the benefits of laughter in his books, and I explore them in my blog post written last year – Laughter Is Great Medicine For CFS.
But it doesn’t have to be laughter that kicks in the endorphins. Anything that lifts your spirit will kick in a certain level of endorphins.
So use the internet and TV to indulge in the things that bring you joy – whether that’s a computer game, a comedy show, an inspiring speech on YouTube (I just found a mix of great, inspiring Captain Picard speeches that I’m sure will kick in a few endorphins for me – and those of other Star Trek fans reading this! 🙂
Do whatever works to you!
Have a look and Google what gives people an endorphin lift and see if any of them are within your physical abilities at the moment. I find laughter and uplifting things are the ones that expend least energy!
Controlling your thoughts may not be easy sometimes, but it is possible to control them rather than them controlling you.
And it’s also then possible to put them into service toward your empowerment as opposed to them leading you down a dark tunnel into depression.
So much of our lives are in the way we think about things. Hence, so much of our experience of CFS is in the way we think about it.
There are many more ways of controlling your thinking than the 5 steps I’ve suggested today. So if you’re inclined, do some further research on the net to add further tools to your tool kit.
Today’s Action Step
Write down 5 thoughts that you could think that would serve you. They may be a favourite quote or just something you create. Write them down, then type them and print them out. Put them in prominent places around your house so that when you’re feeling that low, negative spiral, you can look at those words and repeat them to yourself in place of the negative ones.
Bonus Action Step: Build you own tool box of ‘distractions’ you can call into action when you are having a ‘bad’ day or when you need to distract your thinking and get away from the overwhelm and despair that often engulfs us during our journey with CFS / ME
Please let me know what you think of these blogs in the comments section below or on Twitter or Facebook.
Until tomorrow my friends.
Keep Smiling
Louise
(PS. I usually have a nice photo quote to go on the blog, but that will be put on later. It is 11.50pm and I need to post the blog!! 🙂
Related Posts
Day 1: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 3 Myths of Acceptance That Hold Us Back
Day 2: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – It Is As It Is. Choose It!
Day 4: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 6 Things You Can ALWAYS Do Despite CFS / ME
Day 5: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 7 Ways To Focus Your Thoughts On Something Uplifting
Day 6: 31 Day To A Better CFS Life – Being Present – 7 Simple Mindfulness Techniques To Help Manage CFS
Day 7: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Learning To Ask For Help – 5 Simple Tasks You Can ‘Outsource’ To Help Manage CFS
Day 8: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Discover Podcasts – 5 Steps To Finding & Listening To Good Podcasts
Day 9: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Listen To Your Body. I Am Today!
Day 10: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 10 Ways To Nurture Yourself & Fill Your Bucket
Day 11: 31 Day To A Better CFS Life – 5 Ways To Combat Spoonie Mother Guilt on Mother’s Day!
Day 12: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – My 5 Fave Ways To Connect With The Online CFS / ME Community
Day 13: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – How & Why Audiobooks Are A Great Illness-Management Tool
Day 14: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life -10 Top Audiobooks I Recommend
Day 15: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: 5 Tips For Getting Tasks Done When You Have CFS / ME
Day 16: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – What Are You Struggling With Most Right Now?
Day 17: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: What Are You Doing WELL In Managing CFS / ME / Fibro? What Are You NOT Struggling With?
Day 18: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 3 Things I Struggle With At The Moment & How I Manage Them
Day 19: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 101 Ways I Manage CFS / ME & Electrosensitivity Pain
Day 20: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Benefits Of Writing To Help Manage CFS / ME
Day 21: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Gratitude is Healing – 5 Ways To Practise Gratitude
Day 22: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – A Letter To Partners Of People With CFS / ME
Day 23: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 7 Healthy, Safe Ways To Release Emotions
Day 24: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public From Those With CFS / ME / FM – Part 1
Day 25: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public Pt 2 – How You Can Support Someone Who Has CFS / ME / FM
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