Today’s blog follows on from the last 3 blogs relating to accepting our CFS / ME and how we can control our thoughts when overwhelm and despair threaten.
This blog looks at how we can focus our thoughts on the things we can control and do something about, rather than those we have no control over and can do nothing about at this stage.
Focus On What You Can Do, Not What You Can’t
When we’re dealing with chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS / ME) or any other chronic illness, in our state of physical disability, we often tend to focus on what we can’t do or the things that we could once do that we can’t do anymore.
The grief we feel around the many things we have lost due to CFS- the anger, the frustration – all contribute to a feeling of helplessness.
Because of all the things we can’t do anymore, because of our physical limitations, we feel a lost sense of identity, sense of purpose and sense of belonging.
We often feel as if there’s no place for us in the world anymore.
Society as a whole doesn’t deal well with illness, and thus, we feel shunted into a corner – a little like we’ve been put on the junk pile of life, having no use to society, our family, friends or even ourselves anymore.
All this can be very overwhelming, especially at the beginning of the illness, and there is definitely an emotional process to be worked through and acknowledged.
But once we’ve had some time to adjust, we need to get a little more practical in order to gain some power back over this debilitating, confusing and stigmatizing illness.
How do we get practical?
We start to focus our attention on what we can still do, not what we can’t – in our lives, in our families, with our friends, and for society in general.
Easier Said Than Done?
Yes, it does take something to alter our focus, but it is possible. Simple, but not easy – a regular theme in my blog posts and in life!
Although there are many things you cannot do because of your CFS / ME or other illness, there are also still many things you can do. We often forget this.
There is always something we can do, even if it’s just to think a different thought. We can always do something.
Now I know life’s not all about doing, but, as I’ve said above, I think that while living with CFS we can often feel quite useless – as if we have no use in the world anymore.
And it is true that we often cannot do the things that we would really like to be doing – the things we’ve done in the past or have dreamed of doing in our future.
But once again, like controlling our thoughts, it’s a matter of pulling our focus back to the present moment, rather than focussing on the past or the future.
I maintain that focussing on our past and future is one of the main contributors to depression and anxiety, but that’s another blog post!
Thinking Outside The Box
Finding things that we can do and can control while living with CFS can often mean we have to think a little outside the square.
It also means we need to stop lamenting that we can’t do things the same way or to the same extent as what we could in the past.
Comparing our current capabilities to our past capabilities is a recipe for despair.
Often, because we can’t do certain things the way we used to or can’t do them at all, we get upset and we feel defeated by this fact.
But thinking that way leaves us as the victim, and victim thinking gets us nowhere. It’s a tough thing to face, but it really doesn’t.
We are not victims of CFS. We are only victims if we say we are, and I’m here to say, on behalf of people with CFS and other chronic illnesses, that we are NOT victims.
We are just people who have an illness, or people who have pain or disability.
So, today we’re going to focus on what we can do, which gives us a chance to stand in a place of empowerment rather than victimhood.
6 Things You Can Always Do Despite CFS / ME
1. Accept Your CFS
As we learned in Day 1 and 2, the first step in any of this is accepting our CFS.
So the first thing we can do is accept where we’re at right now – “It is as it is. I choose it, I allow it, I surrender to it.”
It’s all a context from which to come from, and creating a different mental context is something we can always do no matter how ill we are (as with previous conversations, this may exclude people with severe brain fog!)
“So if I’m lying in bed, barely able to move because of fatigue, what can I do?”, you may ask.
Well, I’ve been in that position many times and there are things you can do in that situation. They may not be what you want to do, but that’s where changing our context comes in.
For instance, when we accept “what’s so” and we “choose” it, we can rest, we can sleep, and we can do these things with a sense of calm and a sense of peace, as opposed to resistance.
And the thing is, although we often fight it, rest/sleep is exactly what we need to do. Not exciting, not sexy, but it is something!
2. Let Go Of Perfectionism
We need to stop the perfectionism. Perfectionism is the CFS warrior’s curse.
If we can’t do it the way we once did it or the way we want to do it, we often won’t do it at all. And that’s an area where all people with CFS need to change their thinking (if they haven’t already!)
I’m a recovering perfectionist. I understand this.
Just now, it is as it is. We don’t have the same amount of energy that we once did. That’s just what’s so.
Right at this moment, if there’s something we really need to get done, we have to get past perfectionism and just find a way to do it.
This may mean doing it over a number of days or breaking it up over the day. It may mean doing it to a lower standard than we’d ideally like.
But we still get it done.
Fighting those perfectionist demons can be challenging, but the feeling of accomplishment can still be rewarding whether it’s exactly how we wanted to do it or not.
I’ve always thought my perfectionism and Type A personality is part of what got me into this CFS mess in the first place, and I’m quite sure it hasn’t helped my recovery over the years.
I mean, look at me! I still take on massive challenges like attempting to write 31 blogs in 31 consecutive days!
But in saying that, it also forces me to step through my perfectionism every time I post, because, whether it’s exactly the way I’d like it to be, at the end of every day I need to press “Publish” to keep up my end of the bargain.
It tests my recovering perfectionism, but I’m still getting something done that I really want to get done.
It’s all a matter of perspective as to how important it is for us to do something. And it’s all a matter of context as to whether we say it needs to be a certain way or not.
It’s all part of thinking outside the square and getting “creative” in the way we do things.
3. Chunk It Up
I find that breaking tasks and chores down into “bite-sized” chunks can be a great way to get things done, without wearing ourselves out.
It’s a key part of pacing, which all people with CFS need to become masters at. (After 21 years I feel like I’m a senior apprentice, but far from a master unfortunately 😉
So, for instance, with the washing or the dishes, or other household chores, we can break them down into small steps.
We can give ourselves five minute windows, where we say “okay, for the next 5 minutes I’m going to do as many dishes as I can do. Then I’m going to stop and rest, and when I feel up to it, I’ll do another 5 minutes.”
I even set a timer for 5 minutes and force myself to sit down afterwards. Or I may do a few more minutes, but unless I set that timer, I can overdo it quite easily.
So this is the way I often get things done when I’m really really low in energy.
So even if you have to break it down into 5 minute chunks or 15 minutes, have a look of what you can do as opposed to what you can’t do.
It may not be the way you ideally would want to do it, but whatever the task is, it still gets done, and you get to feel a sense of accomplishment for having done it, and also get something done that needed to be done so that your household works and you’re able to manage your illness better (ie you have dishes to eat your meals off!).
You can also break down more enjoyable tasks that lift your spirit into similar bite-sized chunks, such as writing a blog (a paragraph a day), gardening or scrapbooking – whatever your passion is!
4. Do Something That Uplifts You or Distracts You
One of the major things I know I can always do is use various forms of distraction to manage my CFS. These are things that lift my spirit.
I use distraction usually when I’m in that state when I’m exhausted in bed and my eyes are too tired to keep open, but I can’t sleep.
So I can distract myself by listening to a podcast that I’ve downloaded to my phone or mp3 player, an audiobook, the radio, or I listen to music.
As mentioned in previous blogs, I focus my energies outward so my mind doesn’t have a chance to focus on what I can’t do, or worry about other things.
Music is something that uplifts me and I listen to it a lot. I wrote a blog a while back with 25 Songs That Lift My Spirits While Living With CFS, so have a look at that for some inspiration (WARNING: I’m an 80s chick, so it’s a little slanted in that direction!)
5. Find Ways To Still Follow Your Passions & Purpose
Following our passions and our purpose despite having CFS is a topic I could go on forever about, as it’s a topic I’m very passionate about myself.
Don’t ever fall into the belief that just because you have CFS / ME / Fibro or other spoonie illnesses, that you can’t still follow your passions.
This amazing invention called the internet has opened up myriad opportunities for people with CFS to still be able to follow their passions and purpose online.
Yes, we may need to modify how we follow those passions. We may not be able to run for miles now or ride on horseback or visit theme parks.
But what we can do is write blog articles about these things, or join forums and share our expertise, or read other people’s blogs on these topics and support them.
There are so many ways to still stay involved in things that we have loved doing in the past, and there also many ways to ignite new passions for things we didn’t even know about.
That’s what I’m doing right now. A few years ago I didn’t know about blogging. A little over a year ago I hardly knew anything about online business. Now both have become my passions.
Never give up. There are ways of doing things to follow your passions, even if you have a teeny bit of energy.
Read NoPosterGirl.com‘s blog posts to see how someone with extremely severe CFS / ME still manages to follow her passions – and contribute massively to the CFS / ME community.
Often it’s just a matter of putting that perfectionism (aka procrastination) aside and just giving it a go!
6. Letting It Go
Sometimes when you’re worrying about something, especially something you can’t do or can’t do anything about, the best action to take is to let it go and do nothing.
Accept there’s nothing you can do, and worrying about it does nothing more than cause you angst.
“It is as it is. At this moment I can’t change it, so I choose to think about something else and let this worry go”.
Anxiety is often caused by getting too far ahead in our thinking and catastrophizing – thinking of all the worst things that might happen (and being dramatic about it! I’m very good at that! :-).
So, sometimes the best and most powerful thing we can do is to acknowledge there’s nothing we can do, and be okay with that!
At the moment I want you do something very simple. Just focus on identifying what you can do, as opposed to what you can’t.
When you find yourself thinking about all the things you can’t do, stop yourself.
Say to yourself: “Stop it. I is as it is. Stop focussing on what I can’t do. What can i do? In this moment what can I do about that thing I’m worrying about, what can I do about that task I want to get done. What can i do about that health issue that I’m dealing with right now? What can I do that will serve me – that will serve my physical, mental or spiritual health?”
And then take action.
Today’s Action Step
Your action step for today is to think of one thing you could do right now, that would serve your physical, mental or spiritual health, and then do it. (Note, if you’ve read the info above, you’ll know this DOES NOT have to be something physical)
Until tomorrow Amigos!
Keep Smiling
Louise 😀
Related Posts
Day 1: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 3 Myths of Acceptance That Hold Us Back
Day 2: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – It Is As It Is. Choose It!
Day 3: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Ways To Control Our Thoughts When In Overwhelm & Despair
Day 5: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 7 Ways To Focus Your Thoughts On Something Uplifting
Day 6: 31 Day To A Better CFS Life – Being Present – 7 Simple Mindfulness Techniques To Help Manage CFS
Day 7: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Learning To Ask For Help – 5 Simple Tasks You Can ‘Outsource’ To Help Manage CFS
Day 8: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Discover Podcasts – 5 Steps To Finding & Listening To Good Podcasts
Day 9: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Listen To Your Body. I Am Today!
Day 10: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 10 Ways To Nurture Yourself & Fill Your Bucket
Day 11: 31 Day To A Better CFS Life – 5 Ways To Combat Spoonie Mother Guilt on Mother’s Day!
Day 12: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – My 5 Fave Ways To Connect With The Online CFS / ME Community
Day 13: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – How & Why Audiobooks Are A Great Illness-Management Tool
Day 14: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life -10 Top Audiobooks I Recommend
Day 15: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: 5 Tips For Getting Tasks Done When You Have CFS / ME
Day 16: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – What Are You Struggling With Most Right Now?
Day 17: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life: What Are You Doing WELL In Managing CFS / ME / Fibro? What Are You NOT Struggling With?
Day 18: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 3 Things I Struggle With At The Moment & How I Manage Them
Day 19: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 101 Ways I Manage CFS / ME & Electrosensitivity Pain
Day 20: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 5 Benefits Of Writing To Help Manage CFS / ME
Day 21: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Gratitude is Healing – 5 Ways To Practise Gratitude
Day 22: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – A Letter To Partners Of People With CFS / ME
Day 23: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – 7 Healthy, Safe Ways To Release Emotions
Day 24: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public From Those With CFS / ME / FM – Part 1
Day 25: 31 Days To A Better CFS Life – Letter To The General Public Pt 2 – How You Can Support Someone Who Has CFS / ME / FM