“A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone.
His father came along just then.
Noting the boy’s failure, he asked, “Are you using all your strength?”
“Yes, I am,” the little boy said impatiently.
“No, you are not,” the father answered.
“I am right here just waiting, and you haven’t asked me to help you.” – Anon
For people with CFS, learning to ask for help can often be a very difficult thing to do, especially if you’re used to being independent. But we need to learn to put pride aside at times, because we really DO need help with things.
Getting hung up on this issue is common with anyone in the CFS / ME /Spoonie community. It’s a tough one to face.
But the reality it, we need to get over it and sometimes just ask for help when we need it.
Easier said than done, I know. I REALLY know! I’m a perfect example at times of someone who SHOULD ask for more help, but doesn’t. I’m working on transforming that.
How Independence, Pride & Fear of Rejection Stop Us From Asking For Help
Prior to your illness, if you were someone who was highly independent and highly capable, asking someone to do something for you when you are not physically capable can be a really challenging thing to do.
I think it can be really challenging for anyone to make requests of other people, regardless of whether we’re ill or not.
Why? We fear hearing that horrible word “NO”. We fear rejection!
So, if we don’t ask, we don’t risk being rejected. Problem solved, hey?! 😉
But even if someone says “No”, it doesn’t really mean that they’re rejecting you. But often that’s how we interpret it, whether it’s true or not.
So independence, fear of rejection, and also pride, can get in the way of us asking for help when we really, truly do need it.
Is it helping, or is it just ‘outsourcing’ or ‘delegating’? It’s all in the language!
In business, people ‘outsource’ or ‘delegate’ all the time.They don’t term it as ‘asking for help’, but that’s what it is. They just usually pay the person who they ask.
So maybe if we thought of our illness or life as a business or a project, rather than asking for help, we could consider it outsourcing or delegating :-).
This might circumvent any issues we have around independence, pride or fear of rejection AND get something done without pushing us into a ‘flare’ or ‘relapse’. Bonus!
NEWSFLASH: People like to help!
The thing that you will find is that often people will love to help.
Sometimes they just need to be asked!
Often family and friends will feel quite helpless to be able to support you in your illness. They often feel very disempowered, and feel that they can’t help you because they are unable to take away your pain or your fatigue or your other illness symptoms.
By asking them politely and with respect to do something for you, it gives them a chance to do something proactive, and can help them feel more empowered and to feel that they are contributing to you.
They will then get the message that they’re not helpless in their ability to support you.
So, sometimes it can really be a very generous thing to the people around you to ask for their help.
5 Simple Tasks You Can Easily Outsource To Family & Friends
To help you get started, I’ve come up with 5 tasks you can easily outsource (or ask for help with).
1. Ask a friend or family member to cook you a simple meal.
You can provide the money for the ingredients, they can then pick up the ingredients when they do their weekly shop, and the meal can be something as simple as a quiche or a casserole, or something that they are already making for their family (they just make an extra batch or serving for you).
At the same time as they make their meal for their family, they just make you the same meal in a different dish (with full knowledge of any food sensitivities or allergies you may have! PS. Try to make it easy on them by choosing a meal that you CAN eat without too much alteration to the recipe).
You then organise for them to drop it around to you on a certain day that suits them.
So, that means that at least one day a week you know you’ve got a good, healthy meal organized, whether you’re on your own or whether you have a family or partner to feed.
This can take a lot of pressure off you.
If you’re on your own, this simple meal could actually turn into a number of simple meals, so that’s even more helpful for you.
I know I love it when my Mum sends me some casserole (or other container of food) because often I can make it last for 3 or 4 meals, and it saves me a lot of energy and time.
“Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.”
– Anne Wilson Schaef, author.
2. Get A Child Who You Know To Bring Your Mail To You
Ask a child who lives nearby, and who you trust, to take your mail from the mailbox each day and place it at your front door, under the mat or with a weight of some sort on top of it.
You may like to give them a small amount of money at the end of each week as a thank you for that – maybe a dollar, $2 or whatever you think is appropriate and whatever you think may give them incentive to want to continue to do it! 🙂
(Obviously if you have your own children, you can make this task one of their weekly chores and reward them as you see appropriate – or just have it as one of their ways that they contribute to their family. Reward enough on its own!)
3. If you have children, get them to help you
If you have children, ask them to do a set number of tasks according to their age that would help you out. I try not to overwhelm my daughter (who is 10), so I often ask if she could do just 10 dishes or 10 minutes of tidying up.
We often put a timer on in that case. When the timer goes off, she can stop. Or when she’s put 10 items of clothing away out of the wash basket, she can stop (the clean washing basket I mean!) 😉
These tasks can be set as chores which are just part of contributing to your family “team” or you can have a reward at the end – or both, I guess.
When I’m feeling very overwhelmed I find that asking my daughter to do these small jobs helps me feel less overwhelmed.
I can usually then find time to reward her with 10-15 minutes of quality time of her choice because I get the job done quicker with her help and then have some energy left to give to her. Win-Win! (See my ebook 15 Minute Power Play With Your Kids for 31 simple ideas of how to spend quality time with your children in small windows of time. Special deal for spoonies. See sidebar.)
4. Ask your partner to help with something (if you have one!)
If you have a partner, ask him or her to help you with something that is overwhelming you.
Maybe the dirty laundry’s piling up and needs to be washed, maybe the clean laundry’s piling up and needs to be put away, maybe it’s the dishes that need doing or, if you have a dishwasher, maybe the dishwasher needs to be stacked or the dishes needs to be put away.
Whatever task it is that’s overwhelming you and that is taking your mind energy and making you feel even more tired than you already feel. That’s the one to ask them to help with!
Pick that thing and make a request of your partner that they help you out – either just that one time or that they do that task on a regular basis.
You know your partner best, so you know the best way to go about this.
Often it is overwhelming (or definitely challenging) for your partner, learning to live with and support a partner with chronic illness.
This can lead to us not asking for their help because we already feel we’re enough of a burden to them and that they already do so much.
You don’t want to give them any further ‘burdens’. But what we often forget is that it helps them too when you are less overwhelmed.
They will know you well enough to know that if they can help you feel less overwhelmed that it would benefit them just as much as it benefits you. Another Win-Win!!
Give it a try anyway. It at least gives them the opportunity to say “yes” or “no”. If you don’t ask, it’ll be a “no” regardless.
5. Ask a friend or neighbour for help in some way
Ask a friend or neighbour to do something simple yet useful for you, such as putting your bin out or bringing it in on bin night.
Or maybe they could water your pot plants or walk your dog.
You know the things you need such help with, and even if they’re simple tasks like that, that’s one less thing that you have to do.
“Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don’t go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won’t laugh at you.”
– Jim Rohn, was an American entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker.
Often we may feel like we’re a burden to the people in our lives but, the interesting thing is, it is human nature to want to feel needed. We love it!
So, by asking a friend, family member or neighbour to help you out, you could consider you’re doing them a favor. 😉
As I’ve said previously, the people around you often feel helpless and powerless to be able to help you in any way because they can’t take away your pain and they can’t take away your illness.
Giving them a chance to help you in some way is actually offering them a chance to feel more empowered and less helpless.
They will appreciate that if it’s done in the right way.
So as long as you don’t take them for granted, you thank them, and maybe give them a small thank you gift or note occasionally, your friends, family and neighbours won’t mind helping you out, and you will feel less burdened and more able to manage you life and your CFS in the process. As I said before – Win-Win!
Today’s action step
Your action step for today is to make a list of 5 things that, if they were done, it would make you feel much better and more peaceful. Then ask one person to do one of these things.
Then come back and share it on this site – your triumphs of having asked a favour and having it fulfilled (or not!). Tell us how that feels!
Or in the comment section tell us other things you do to ask people around you to support you. What do you ask them to do for you and how does that benefit both you and them?
Or please tell us over on Facebook or Twitter.
明日まで (Until tomorrow in Japanese – reliant on howtosayin.com for my info!)
Keep Smiling
Louise 🙂
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